rant from some time in April

Not yet HUMAN anymore

Often, feeling not completely alive, drawn to asceticism, but wounded,
lost, guideless, spiritless, then numb; me personally.
Working through this, still, as far as 'normal' as it comes
I am still not alive, more, I am heart beating limb moving
sentient, but not humanly fulfilled, where am I?
Where am I - We, what we are?
Pulseless.
We have too long been trying to be Gods; veiled forces behind
closed doors, impenetrable, infallible, invincible,
but our flesh knows the difference, our Earth takes the beat.
We have not yet mastered balance. We don't know We.
Back to the point, we are not gods.
Why play at bigness, to our own destruction and to all that is life?
At the price of a grave forgetting, to not know this
Human-ness that rises up in us & says
Breathe! Explore! Struggle! Hurt! Die! Breed! Sing!
Wear your Face in genuine mirroring of your Self.
Cultivate. Create.
We don't remember much about creation, collectively.
We are bigger now, inflated but empty; spinning heads.
We fly to something feeling more important, greater, Godlier.
Domination ~ Destruction.
Why? What shaped this sick string which brought HERE & NOW before my eyes?
Is it for comfort, a struggle for resources?
Too convenient a write off for the worst.
Power. Like Gods. Forgotten humility. Floating heads.
What inflates must deflate.
We.
Doesn't build; imposes.
Doesn't gather; takes.
Doesn't struggle; hides, obliterates, betrays.

I me conscious body space am Not immune.
I too, am greedy, forgetting, instant sensation seeking.
Non human ~ inhumane.
I too am disgusted at my animal body. Why not more like a god's?
And so concocting things, scrambling, mentally make it so.
Momentarily immortal, its all for believing.
But the screaming in me, the swirling gaping PLEASE
find this, more, US.
Still here.
Wander to the woods, I hear you.
Follow pound feet in moon's reflection, I feel you.
Breathe in heady scents and see how she makes things reappear, I see you.
Beating hearts connect in pace of demanding some real recognition of humanity, I'm with you.
Discover essences indescribable crawls beneath skins of carbon everywhere, I learn you.
I want to know you.
Still there.
But I can't seem to find you, to hold you.
Lost so long ago, the lines on this map faded by thousands of suns.
All I can find are your brittle old backbones, far away &
scentless, senseless.
I hope this is enough.

A love poem

I like to rumble through
tearing at tags of photosynthetic
beings.
I imagine, then I imagine less and
become more
aligned.
red thump-thum-rum
up, dodge, skinsweatslide around
-gasp.
Ache, pound, catchdetect scent
smile, slip in
give out.
Greens glittering
Roots
Life limbs
Mine
MY? who?
Whose are so beautiful
as yours?
Let me sit under you and
dissolve.
Filled.
Sweet gratitude.

Ridiculous ! Ridiklookuhs i

I think I'm braindamaged.
I think, I'm braindamaged.
I think; I'm braindamaged.
I: think I'm braindamaged.

Braindamaged I, I'm think.
I'm think; I braindamaged.
I'm braindamaged, I think.
Braindamaged think: I'm I.

Hit kin bam! rind-damage.
Main kind thar image bid.
Hit in m'k, drab, imagined.
Id math, I a margin; be kind.

wonder-full

Sense of wonder
Scents of one or
Ends of slumber
Send us wonder

I wonder
Are there any spaces left on this land we know,
that we have left unknown?
That no foot tread on, head rolled down, hands plucked from?
If we could light up all the spaces we'd ever stepped, would we be impressed?
How many pieces, miniscule as they may be, here in Minneapolis, are 'untouched'?
How miniscule can something be while we still allow it to occupy 'space'?
There are definitely molecules we haven't touched, right?
Is that enough?
What counts as space when the earth is always shifting, changing, growing beneath us?
Lat/Long. coordinates? The finest top layer of decay and dirt?

If I tracked every place my feet fell with...I don't know, glow stick goo
How many times have I retraced my steps? If I stay in one 'place' long enough
that there is no virgin territory
am I now a part of that place? For how long?
Or do I cancel out the steps each time they are retraced, allowing myself to see it in
new light, new matter, new skin? For what it is.

I wonder

How long does it take for two people who love eachother. who love to touch eachother.
to take in every sensational space? When we change, 'together' or 'alone', is that sensation new?
If I could cover that old couple in the park with glow stick goo
would their kisses-caresses-hugs-hits-high-fives leave any space unlit?
Can we assume that the couple arguing over static cell phone left more, glow less?
How many times do we retrace these steps?
What kind of ground are we trying to cover when we touch eachother?
You're yours I'm mine nothing here's for keeps, but please, let me be known, right now.

These thoughts are not original, not unknown, or unstepped
Its almost prettier that way
Also, this is not 'deep'
I have no intention of depth
It was all about surface area

;)

Something I wrote a while ago, which is less & less true, which is lovely

Once in a while, we'll call it Monday, when bleak gets bleaker
I lay immobile. unable. I can't move.
I'm thinking its the thought of the thinking I'll have to go through in order to delicately figure out what to say to the
whos and whats and whens all day
the nicey nice niceties my lips display in whispers
sometimes i speak in "Hiiii's" and "How are yous?"
Nods and half smiles
and I wonder who I am
some sickly sweet pink fluff pustule, punch in and i'm popped -
but don't be offended, i do wish you the best, and i care about how you are,
but i don't fucking. know. WHO. you. are.
and when i'm on my back stuck to the sheets of sleep, paralyzed, its this in and out tedium my body won't consider.
when will i be brave enough to show you something raaaaaw, i mean fucking sail it in, from the little sea of unfiltered.
i spent years hiding in my own shame, until all i wore was bones
and i never once told the truth about anything because i was too empty to care
but i guess i'm not yet full enough to give some other human being my reality
i'm in the like it or not its your job limbo,
the fake it til you make it you better be funny and you better upbeat or you will never have friends
the smile a lot and signal cues to ensure sometime someone wants you
and i'm sickly swishing swirling pink fluff parade
a drain all clogged with meets and greets and man, don't i know, ha ha ha
let me tell you.
cynicism aside. its my choice, what i say to you. how i say it. and i do, i really want to know. how are you? who are you?
really?
i think i already like you.

Whats yer mission?

I often hear (particularly when it concerns 'politics') "We all want the same thing in the end". At times, I've said this myself. It is useful as a concept to oppose the divisive nature of politics, but at the heart, I don't think it holds true.
Yes, we all want the same things that drive our human existence. Safety, security, nourishment, and for most of us, happiness/contentment for ourselves and others. What we perceive will fulfill these needs is often very different, but, thank heavens & earth we at least have this bit of shared humanity. I have been thinking a lot lately about the driving forces in my own life. I think these forces are often what shape our various approaches and perceptions.
I find "what we want" is basically driven by what I would call our 'missions' or 'purposes', which differ radically from person to person, party to party, group to group. If you do not share a philosophy or underlying belief system, you are not likely to share a 'mission', or therefore, a vision.
To make this a little less abstract...
Here are some examples (from my subjective experience) of other (awesome) people's visions/missions:
I have been cared for by someone who places the most value on autonomy, responsibility to loved ones, self betterment, contentment, and comfort.
I have met others whose vision includes self-sacrifice, dedication, responsibility to truth & the global community.
Others value adventure, extreme zest for life, presence, and a deep commitment to community and interpersonal relationships.
People are made of all combinations of these and (of course) other visions.
Maybe some are nobler than others, and you can at least in part choose what drives you. But there is really no convincing somebody else what should drive them, and I'm honestly grateful for that.
People are driven by passion. By addiction. By distraction. By love. By fear. By hope. By resentment. By means of escape. Etc.
It is no curiousity to me that we all disagree so often, so it really doesn't frustrate me all that much.
What does frustrate me is when the extremism of some people's visions end up disregarding respect for the rest of humanity. How do we successfully speak out about this? How do we find balance and peace with our individual natures, while still seeking justice in the world?
I shoooorazhelll don't know how to answer these questions.
I do believe that unless there is some recognition of these seperate visions/missions/filters we all have of the world, the head butting, polarizing, and name calling will endlessly continue with little progress made in regards to respect and acceptance of our fellow humans, or furtherance of our work for justice.

bla-la-la-blogging

So, I am creating this mainly as an organized place to put all of the mind purge that I usually have scattered on pieces of notebook paper. I love to read about what other people are doing and thinking and analyzing and over analyzing, and so, what the hell. Here is mine.