Saturday, June 5, 2010

rant from some time in April

Not yet HUMAN anymore

Often, feeling not completely alive, drawn to asceticism, but wounded,
lost, guideless, spiritless, then numb; me personally.
Working through this, still, as far as 'normal' as it comes
I am still not alive, more, I am heart beating limb moving
sentient, but not humanly fulfilled, where am I?
Where am I - We, what we are?
We have too long been trying to be Gods; veiled forces behind
closed doors, impenetrable, infallible, invincible,
but our flesh knows the difference, our Earth takes the beat.
We have not yet mastered balance. We don't know We.
Back to the point, we are not gods.
Why play at bigness, to our own destruction and to all that is life?
At the price of a grave forgetting, to not know this
Human-ness that rises up in us & says
Breathe! Explore! Struggle! Hurt! Die! Breed! Sing!
Wear your Face in genuine mirroring of your Self.
Cultivate. Create.
We don't remember much about creation, collectively.
We are bigger now, inflated but empty; spinning heads.
We fly to something feeling more important, greater, Godlier.
Domination ~ Destruction.
Why? What shaped this sick string which brought HERE & NOW before my eyes?
Is it for comfort, a struggle for resources?
Too convenient a write off for the worst.
Power. Like Gods. Forgotten humility. Floating heads.
What inflates must deflate.
Doesn't build; imposes.
Doesn't gather; takes.
Doesn't struggle; hides, obliterates, betrays.

I me conscious body space am Not immune.
I too, am greedy, forgetting, instant sensation seeking.
Non human ~ inhumane.
I too am disgusted at my animal body. Why not more like a god's?
And so concocting things, scrambling, mentally make it so.
Momentarily immortal, its all for believing.
But the screaming in me, the swirling gaping PLEASE
find this, more, US.
Still here.
Wander to the woods, I hear you.
Follow pound feet in moon's reflection, I feel you.
Breathe in heady scents and see how she makes things reappear, I see you.
Beating hearts connect in pace of demanding some real recognition of humanity, I'm with you.
Discover essences indescribable crawls beneath skins of carbon everywhere, I learn you.
I want to know you.
Still there.
But I can't seem to find you, to hold you.
Lost so long ago, the lines on this map faded by thousands of suns.
All I can find are your brittle old backbones, far away &
scentless, senseless.
I hope this is enough.